July 9th, 2005

Morning

Did I say morning are especially hard for me.... I think so, don't know why, I guess I wake up with only my thoughts pounding at my soul.  This burden is big but I got to find a way to stay positive.  This morning I woke up again with feeling of anxiety, grief, and insecurity certainly not a positive attitude.  I wasn't always this way, first to go to the negative, it's something I've acquired over time, Not Good.  I broke down again to Kari last night, she is so stable when it comes to times like these, she just said take it as it comes, don't worry about tomorrow focus on what good you did today.....

I can tell you that yesterday what I did good was go to the claims golf tournament.  I made several really good contacts for new listings as well as promoted the heck out of the site.  On top of that I made a great contact with Jeff Stone the current president of the association who is introducing me to some great sponsors and is going to show me the ropes of adjusting to see if I can determine a better way for us to go with the website.

Then I came home and updated their webpage with some information from the tournament and added their sponsors to that page, with a special link for RGL Inc since they are our clients.  Then I emailed all the contacts I made with a personal invitation to check out the site and begin to think about their listing.

I guess the biggest hurt I am feeling right now is not the pain of not being successful with this company but the grief as a result of not having all the things we have now and the possibility of sinking into poverty.  I keep thinking to myself that there is nothing I can do to replace the income I once had.  I know this is silly and dumb and that within me there is still all the things that allowed me to get here, but somehow because they are there and I have been unable to apply them to this situation it seems that it would be impossible to apply them in other areas.  Besides I'm 33 years old and I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT IN LIFE.

I thought I wanted this, a nice home a choice of vehicle to drive, and time to enjoy them.  I find the more time I have the more anxiety I have right now.  And I couldn't have really wanted all of this because as soon as I got it I can track subliminal things that I have done to destroy it...  Maybe there is a God that is trying to give me a rude awakening.  Anyway I'm resolving to end each day on a positive note.

Today, I'm working out again and I've lost like 10 pounds.  I'm looking forward to going on this bike ride with Tom after working out, that sounds like a good time.

Additionally I'm reminded why I love my wife so much.  How I could be jealous of her staying at home while I supported her is beyond me and I need to learn not to be so selfish...